I wanted to hate him
by LostInTimeBoy
Summary: Ianto has lost everything when his co workers killed Lisa. He is lost and looking for something or someone to save him. All from Ianto's point of view.
1. One

Tosh, Owen and Gwen had went home after dealing with Lisa's body. I watched it all. I watched them lift her lifeless body into the trolley down to the vaults deep in the Hub. The woman I loved with every part of myself was gone.

I remained silent. Not a whisper, not a cry, not even moving from the sofa. I didn't see the point in speaking. What would I say? I just watched. My face still. The only sign of my pain was my red blood shot eyes. I wouldn't cry in front of them anymore. They didn't care! I'm nothing but dirt to them.

"Go home. I don't want you here for three months" Jack broke the silence. I just nodded and left. I dropped my stun gun, my ID and access card on Tosh's desk. Tosh would most likely do the paperwork for all that.

As the weeks past Jack kept calling me, sending texts and even turned up a couple of times at my flat. He must have known I was there on the other side but didn't say anything. I know he has a key for all our homes but he never even tried to open my front door.

As I lay on my sofa dresses only in old track suit bottoms and sporting some stubble with a beer in my hand I glanced over at the clock. It was 5pm. I hadn't moved in two hours. Jack had most likely sent the others home by now.

I couldn't stop thinking back to the day after Lisa was murdered by my so called friends. I went back to pick up my phone and Jack was watching me as I walked about. He always did that before. I think he doesn't know I know.

On the way out of the Hub he called me into his office. I guessed he was going to retcon me and at this point I didn't care anymore. I lost everything! I don't really remember walking up to his office and even what he said up until he put his hand on my shoulder, talking about how things will be better. I couldn't keep the anger in anymore. How dare he try and be nice to me after what he did!

"You killed her! She was all I had and you killed her" I screaming throwing Jack against his office wall. His face so close to mine I could feel his breath on my lips.

Before I could stop myself I'm grabbing Jacks collar and kissing him. A kiss filled with hate, pain, passion, lust and fear. What had I done? Why did I kiss him? Why do I want to kiss him again? "Oh God!" I looked down to see myself hard. Without another word I turned on my heels and ran out.


	2. Two

TRIGGER WARNING:

Self harm

The last three months dragged in. I spent the first two months drinking and trying not to think about Jack. His lips, the way he grabbed my waist when I kissed him. Oh god I really did kiss him. The man who killed the woman I love. My sweetheart. My Lisa. That same thought kept speeding around my head until I couldn't take it anymore.

By the beginning of the third month I started running again. I used to run a lot on the mornings when me and Lisa started dating. After a night together she would sleep in and I'd run for an hour then join her in the shower when I got back.

I had to stop thinking about that time. I needed to get a breath. The running did help. Well, for a while. As soon as I allowed myself to relax and breath for the first time in what felt like years Jack kept creeping into my mind. His lips. His hands.

Shit, I needed a shower. I jumped into the coldest shower I had ever had and stood for as long as I could. Then I saw it. Lisa's hairbrush. I grabbed it. I fell to the ground in the shower. I couldn't do this. I wouldn't. Not without my Lisa. I grabbed my shaver, pulled out the blade and sliced my wrist. Fuck it burnt.

The last thing I remember before passing out was heavy boot foot steps and a man asking "Ianto? Can you hear me?" The water stopped and I was in darkness. Free from pain and free from guilt.


	3. Three

I opened my eyes to see I was in bed, wrapped up and dry. With a winch I lifted my arm just enough to see my wrist. Bandaged up. Odd I don't remember anything after the shower when I... "Oh god". The words rushed out before I could stop them. I heard someone moving. I lay down and pretended to be a sleep.

I listen to the foot steps getting closer and closer. When they stopped I opened my eyes. One at first then the other. "Jack?"

"Oh good you're awake" he looks relieved. Why? He didn't care about me. He handed me a glass of water and pills. Retcon? No too small. He looked at me reassuringly. It was pain killers. I took them "What...what happened?" I knew I cut myself I remember that but I had passed out soon after. Not eating for days and only drinking beer and whisky wasn't good.

Jack sat down beside me on the bed, looking down at his legs, across the room then finally into my eyes "I saw you running and I followed you." I wanted to get angry that he was following me but honestly I needed to know why first and for how long. I knew he wouldn't tell me everything he was a guarded man but I wanted to know something.

"You seemed so...Oh I don't know..." he continued "...anyway, I knocked on your door and when I heard a crash I...used a key I have for here" He looked at me again expecting me to be stocked he has a key "I know you have keys. I do all the paperwork and sort out files. Remember?" I reassured him. I was in too much pain to be angry now.

"Oh yeah" he laughed. The kind of laugh you felt in your soul. "Well, I got you dried, cleaned up and you've been asleep two days" Jack explained. I glanced at my bandages again. He had no idea how to do that. Owen had a first aid training day in the Hub and I ended up having to repeat it to Jack later that evening again.

"I was able to do that thanks to your help last week" Jack chuckled. God I love his laugh. I sighed. 'Stop it Ianto' I told myself in my head "...but Owen had to check you out" That snapped me back. Oh great Owen knows I did this. He'll never let it go. "He was worried. We all where" Jack said softly, almost to himself. He seemed scared to say it too loud incase...Oh I don't know the world exploded.

"I...I...I didn't know anyone of you cared" That was it. I replied without thinking. Jack looked hurt but he didn't rely to that. He just nodded and headed for the door "I'll check on you later" and with that he was gone.


	4. Four

I spent the rest of my time suspended in bed mostly. Jack would come in and check on me twice a day. He would bring me food, treats and gossip from the Hub.

On my last night before I started back at work Jack did it, he asked the question I didn't think I knew how to answer. "Why did you kiss me?" Jack asked sheepishly. How was I meant to answer that. I didn't know. I don't know. Fuck he's looking at me. "I...I...wanted to" I was shocked of what I said but it wasn't a lie.

He moved from the seat that he would sit in when he visited next to my bed to sitting next to me. I sat up and threw my legs off the bed so our shoulder touched while we looked at the wall. "Do you want to again? Kiss me I mean" Jack asked breaking the almost three minute silence.

I didn't say anything. I just turned to look at him. Jack bit his lip "Well?" He always looked so sexy when he did that. "I hate you" I answered before I could stop myself. I needed to be honest. Jack nodded and moved to stand up "But..." I continued "I dream about you, about holding you, about kissing you...and...I..." Jack grabbed my face snatching our lips together. He wasn't forceful he just remained still letting me know I was in charge.

I moved my lips against his and it was like after almost three months of being mentally dead I was a live again. I grabbed him pulling him down on top of me. It was a little awkward with our legs hanging off the bed. Jack somehow rolled me so I was lying in the middle of the bed with a pillow below my head.

We kissed and kissed and when I reached for his belt 'BEEP BEEP BEEP' "Shit" I signed. I knew it was work. Jack pulled back to check his phone "I'm sorry I have to go...but I'll come back after" I felt so a shamed. Not for kissing a man but for kissing the man who played such a big part in Lisa's murder. "Don't. I can't do this" I was shaken. All I wanted to do was to curl up in bed and never wake up again. "I understand" Jack answered without looking at me and left.

I needed to get some sleep, I had work tomorrow. I closed my eyes and saw my Lisa. My angel. My love but I wanted Jack to hold me.


	5. Five

to be continued...


End file.
